Success Is Not An Option
Ahh, the music industry. Its long tradition of playing on the hopes and dreams of aspiring musicians is well documented in the existence of the industry’s primary by-product: a near-endless litany of ripped-off, bankrupt, debt-ridden, depressed, drug-addled or worse former artists. Stories of young, eager, ignorant song-writers signing away publishing rights or equally gullible bands accepting gigantic and unrepayable advances from record companies are numerous and legendary.
Meat-Grinder of Failure
It’s a ruthless industry that combines its statistically few success stories with a masterfully-perpetuated illusion that anyone can make it big, and as long as humans are conditioned to believe that being famous and having lots of money are important, this industry will continue to find eager participants who will hop willingly into its oversized meat-grinder of institutionalized failure.
Gullible
And that’s where The Makitas come in. The Makitas have taken great care to create a sound, image and overall vibe that is sure to fail. All four members of The Makitas have failed miserably at all former attempts to forge careers in the music industry. Our songs are half-baked; our image trite and overly contrived (matching clothes? how gauche); we hardly ever play live and have little interest in touring; and so forth.
Pathetic
Take this recording project, for example. It became clear early in the demoing process that the songs were actually turning out to be pretty good, despite our efforts to intentionally write bad songs in order to maintain our record of failure. In order to manage the “quality” of the songs downward to the desired level, Lexus Sakic, by far the worst singer of the four, was designated to sing lead. And believe you me, this helped a lot. Some last-minute re-writing of the lyrics to make them less accessible and BINGO we had ourselves a record. We did hire an experienced and talented co-producer in Jason Plumb, and he did an awesome job. This was an honest mistake and we hope to be able to learn from it.
Doomed
Not since Zwan has a band been so well-designed to guarantee failure. The Makitas disdain for success makes them a perfect candidate for signing a long-term, debt-creating record contract, and for their rightful future inclusion in the large and pathetic club of sad sack, unemployed music industry failures. Look at this shitty promo material, for gosh sakes – ink jet! We suck.
Listening/Behaviour Guide for The Makitas’
It’s Not You, It’s Us
Type of Person |
Listening |
Behaviour |
fan, casual listener |
once through, if possible |
accidentally misplace CD under pile of software backup discs. alternatively, pass it on to another person, perhaps one that you don’t actually like. last resort: pawn shop. |
newspaper, magazine, website reviewer |
three times, minimum (good luck) |
a moderately negative review would help our cause, but a scathing one would help speed our descent and ultimate demise. |
community/University Radio station types |
couple of times, while drunk |
use as coaster or, in colder climates, backup windshield frost scraper. make a note to put on year-end worst-of list. |
club/festival booking person |
half of once |
we know, we know: It’s not us, it’s you. |
commercial radio station types |
as if |
you never opened the envelope this came in, so you aren’t reading this. nevertheless, go to hell. |
record companies, distribution companies |
ten times. no, twenty. okay, ten. whatever. |
nothing. we’re done here. |